VOICES: CHAPTER 4

Normally, Jill despised the waiting. 

Waiting was what naive children wishing on stars did while their loved ones burned. Waiting was what the weak did while forced to commit terrible crimes to appease human beasts. 

But for once, this time the waiting offered a brief respite. The first real opportunity to collect herself since their return from the Shadow Coast. Since she took that leap of faith that changed everything.

Including where she thought she belonged.

Chaos had exploded as soon as they were back on the Enterprise. Once certain Clive and Jill were whole and mostly unharmed, Mid, Joshua, and Gav more or less ambushed them to address the aftermath.  Damage to the ship and what it would take to repair.   Injuries sustained and how to stabilize them until they got proper medical attention. They hadn’t even managed to tell Joshua that Ifrit was now able to talk, let alone talk to each other about what had happened and what it meant going forward.

And once back at the Hideaway, they had both been abducted by differing parties the moment they set foot back on the docks.  Clive by Otto and Vivian, she by Tarja.  They did not see more than a passing glance of each other until Clive called that meeting in the mess hall to discuss their departure for Drake’s Spine.  When he charged her with staying behind to protect those aboard the Enterprise while he, Joshua, and Gav infiltrated Ash.  

In hindsight, she’d half expected it already, even before he said it.  It was sound logic, someone needed to protect their means of getting home, and she was a trained fighter with ice magic at her disposal, even if Shiva herself was no longer a viable option.  She even had a means of concealing the ship to avoid detection.  Between her and Joshua it made the most sense.  And yet, here in the dark of the night as they drifted in the mists she created to shield the ship from any prying eyes, she couldn’t help the bitter thought that she was just glad he didn’t try to leave her back at the Hideaway as he had after Rosalith.

If she’d been conscious at the time she would have been furious.  As it was, she had collapsed as soon as she’d sat down on the cots in Tarja’s infirmary after returning from Rosalith, and didn’t wake up fully for almost a week.  Once back on her feet, she’d had enough time to calm down and see the wisdom in his choices, but she made it absolutely clear he was not going to be making any more decisions about what she could or could not handle for her.  

She’d been his right hand for years, and while Clive might be the official leader of the Hideaway, over time everyone else seemed to treat her as if she shared the mantle.  Any major moves Cid the Outlaw made, she was by his side to watch his back. 

Until the Shadow Coast.  The most terrifying and wonderful night of her entire life.  Which, given her life up until now, was saying something.

She’d realized not long after waking up in Cid’s old Hideaway, not dead at the hand of imperial assassins, but in the company of allies and the boy she had long since given up for dead, that her feelings for Clive were…complicated.

At first she attributed it to the vestiges of a childhood crush combined with two damaged people finding someone they trusted in a world that had worn them ragged.  Companionship that had been denied to both of them for 13 years.  She assumed the impulses would calm down after the rush of coming back to life faded away.

They did not.

Instead they’d persisted, maturing into shared moments and laughter, hugs that were more intense and lasted longer than one might deem necessary, almost kisses, and something she wasn’t ready to put into words yet.  She’d kept telling herself ‘when our work is done’ or ‘when we’re free to live our lives the way we choose’, then she’d tell him.  Then she’d see where this went.  

Then Kanver happened, and she was done waiting.

She loved him, had loved him for years, and even if she couldn’t bring herself to say it out loud, she was going to show him.  There was no hesitation as she called Shiva to the front and confronted Odin to allow Joshua to get Clive to safety.  The thought that it might be her last prime before the curse took her didn’t even enter her mind until the adrenaline wore off in that cage aboard the Einherjar.  When the wave came down and she had to freeze a path to shore, she couldn’t even bring herself to second guess it.  When Shiva asked if Jill was certain about what she was about to do on those blighted sands, there had been no question.

When he had kissed her and she couldn’t help but kiss him back with all the passion that she’d been holding back.

No, she did not regret anything from that night, but she couldn’t quite keep the poisonous thought out of her mind that with the loss of Shiva and confrontation of feelings, she had traded her place at Clive’s side for a place in his heart.

Don’t be daft.

Jill paused in mild surprise as she patrolled about the deck and turned a portion of her attention inward at the icy sneer in her mind.

So you are still there.

Of course I am, where else would I be? Shiva snorted with her usual disdain.  

With Clive, for starters, Jill shot back with practiced ease.  

Dominant bound or not, I am element incarnate.  I am capable of being in more than one place at a time.  

Jill took the offensive tone in stride, long used to the blunt cold of Shiva’s conversational skills. It was oddly comforting, actually, to hear the familiar barbs.  She hadn’t been entirely sure what would happen when she’d given up her Eikon, but one of the things she suspected was that her eternal companion may no longer reside in her.  She had been more relieved than she realized to learn that wasn’t true, though Shiva had been much quieter in the week or so since the Shadow Coast.

You have been more quiet than usual, I had wondered if splitting our power diminished your voice as well. Jill mused honestly.  There was no real point trying to conceal her inner thoughts from Shiva, the Eikon had long ago proved adept at reading between the lines.

Half-assed admissions don’t suit you, Daughter of Snows, Shiva’s cold dismissal replied instantly.  You thought yourself abandoned.  

Jill bristled a bit at the pet name.  It was a holdover from their days in the yoke of the Ironblood, a sweet nickname Shiva liked to use to bait her out of her shell when she was a child.  Over time it had become the Eikon’s go-to when she knew Jill was avoiding the truth.  

She sighed irritably, but didn’t bother to rise to her Eikon’s bait.

You know as well as I what another prolonged channel will do to you, Shiva continued, unphased by the silent response.  You made the wiser choice so that we could continue our fight. Do not insult yourself by doubting the gift we gave them.  

Jill reflexively gripped her cursed arm.  Of course she knew.  Another prime was courting death.  Any more than that would mean embracing it.

I do not doubt anything.  I would make that choice a thousand times over to make sure he was protected, Jill snapped back at her Eikon.  She felt a small flash of pride from the Ice Warden at her outburst.

Then why do you fret like the frightened child I woke to find in Ironblood chains?

Jill ignored the jab at her past and pondered the question, not because she didn’t know the answer, but because she couldn’t quite figure out how to explain it to the abrasive Eikon.  Shiva understood many things, but emotion was one of the few things the Ice Warden had never truly grasped during her tenure within humanity.

I merely wonder where I belong now.  Where we belong, Jill said simply.

By their sides, as it always has been.  You know this.

We are not there now, are we?

Shiva scoffed.  Are you jealous of the Firebird and her Dominant?

I’d be lying if I said I weren’t.    

This is why you gave my power to him, is it not?  To protect him when you cannot?  

And who will protect him from himself? Jill hissed.  He’s so damned stubborn, taking everything on his shoulders to help everyone else, I worry that he won’t know when he’s at his limit and no one will stop him.  

You worry for pointless reasons, Shiva snorted dismissively.  Phoenix’s Dominant may be equally reckless but seems to hold a similar opinion to yours concerning his brother.  The spymaster can hold his own, and Fenrir is awake now and will not let his pack down.  You know these concerns and fears are frivolous and untrue and yet your heart creates a problem where there is none.  Do you not trust what is in front of you?

What I don’t trust is our luck. Jill muttered, then added much more quietly, And…I don’t know what I’d do if I lost him again. 

There was a pause as Shiva seemed to consider Jill’s words and then come to a realization.  So which fear is it that truly bothers you?  The fear of being cast aside for lack of an Eikon to prime, or the fear that your loved ones will die as they did 18 years ago and leave you behind to mourn them?

Jill didn’t answer, but she really didn’t have to. The answer was obvious, and even Shiva could see it. 

Ifrit may be no better, using his face as a shield any time he faces his enemies, but should the others fail,  he will never let his Dominant fall.  He’s too stubborn of a bastard, especially now that he’s found his voice.

Jill smirked at the Eikon when she mentioned Ifrit and seized the opportunity to shift the conversation away from herself and her own insecurities.

That's a fair amount of faith in someone you were calling a whining, petulant, wisp not too long ago.

Someone had to teach that newborn Esper how to speak better than a drooling neanderthal, was the ice Eikon’s easy reply.  To most it would’ve sounded dismissive, but Jill had long ago learned to look beyond the insult.  There was a fondness there that Jill did not expect.   

That’s twice now you’ve called him that, what exactly is an ‘Esper’ anyway? Jill wondered idly.  She figured while she had Shiva’s attention she could sate some of her curiosity at how her Eikon had been acting and speaking when the topic of Ifrit came up over the past months.

There is no direct translation or comparison in the sense you may understand it. Though I suppose the closest would be to say it is a term used for…less developed Eikons. 

What, you mean idiots?

There was a scoff that almost sounded like a laugh. Not quite, no. We are ageless, no matter the length of our time awake or bound to humanity, we do not have stages to our lives as you know them. We do not experience time as you do. And no matter how long or short we exist as Eikons, we are always at our core our primordial elements.  Cold fades to warmth, night to day, sand to shore. We wake, we experience, we fade, only to wake again.

Is that why a Dominant’s first prime is always so uncontrolled?

You are born screaming into this world. So too are we until that primal nature is able to settle. If an Eikon is a great beast summoned by their Dominant, an Esper is a monster of an uncontrollable primordial. Awake, but no words or wills to ground them.

Jill tried to imagine what all eight Eikons in their primordial states at once might’ve looked like and she was not ashamed to say it was a little terrifying.  Her own first prime was a blur of ice and blood, and no one other than her had survived the experience to tell of it first hand.  She only heard about the aftermath.

You know, you are the first Dominant I have ever had that has asked me that?

Jill had been idly strengthening the mist barrier around the ship while her mind wandered, but when she heard Shiva pipe up in a tone she almost never heard from the Eikon, she halted the cast in surprise.

What, about what an ‘Esper’ was?

About anything concerning our nature.

That can’t be true, there are hundreds of tomes and accounts from all over the Twins concerning Eikons, how else would humanity have learned it but to ask?

Tomes written by observers, collected from the Dominants, Shiva corrected.  Songs and murals made by others about what we were expected or thought to be.  Perhaps Phoenix has had different experiences, given where her motes lay, but no Dominant has ever asked me about what Eikons are beyond a way to control the elements.

Jill had to cede the point.  I suppose humanity has had very little reason to ask over the centuries.  We’re very good at making things up to suit whatever narrative we’re trying to achieve.  Hell, Sanbreque made a whole religion out of an Eikon.

Shiva snorted.  I do wonder if that whole thing was Bahamut’s idea or his Dominant at the time.       

You never asked him?  

The Ice Warden gave a proverbial shrug.  Neither his, nor my Dominants over the eons cared to do much other than try to slaughter each other.  Without their assistance, we are left only to guess what the other may be thinking.

Wait, so Eikons don’t normally talk to each other when they’re not being channeled?  

No. We are bound to our Dominants, our words are shared with them, and them alone. 

Jill blinked in confusion.  Then…how…I heard Ifrit.  I heard you two talking!  

Were I to guess I would suspect the power we gave them had some unintended side effects, the Ice Queen mused.  In all my time with humanity, I have never before heard another Eikon’s voice.  Felt their presence through the aether, yes, but voices are another aspect entirely.  

Jill felt Shiva shift a bit in her chest, her demeanor smoothing out to the closest thing to affection that Jill had ever felt coming off the Eikon.

However crude it may be, the fact that you three have translated our words across to others on our behalf multiple times is far more momentous than you may realize.  And I never thought I would ever hear the voice of one of my own kind.  

Clive and Ifrit do have a habit of doing the impossible. Jill smiled fondly.  So can you talk to them now, the way you talk to me?

His Dominant, no.  My power may now reside in him, but I and my voice remain here.  Ifrit, perhaps, though I have not had an opportunity to try since the night you gave yourselves to each other.  Nor has Ifrit, as I suspect he and his Dominant are attempting to figure out how to converse with each other.  He may be a quick learner but it will not be something easily mastered overnight.

Jill smiled as she resumed her patrol around the ship, checking for weak points in the fog that needed shoring up, though the icy waters of Ash made it so very little seemed to need maintenance.

You seem to have grown fond of Ifrit.

Jill didn’t really expect Shiva to respond, it was more a comment than a question.  So when Shiva spoke up again with that same reflective tone, Jill allowed her attention to focus back to her Eikon.

I have existed here in this form for eons, my will and words a product of my time bound to humanity’s existence.  But my memories reach far further back.  Across infinite time and space to worlds and times long forgotten and yet to pass.  

Jill blinked in surprise.  So those visions…they were real?  They happened?

To other Incarnates of Ice, but we are all the same element.  Just as threads of aether connect the living things of this world, so too do the threads of the elements weave through existence.  We know of them, but we do not see them, Shiva explained, then chuckled with that bitter laugh that almost passed as amusement.  Or rather, apparently, we do not normally see them. 

I have never known a force of nature that would not bend to my will.  The earth, buried by my snows, the water, frozen by my ice.  Wind consumed with blizzard, lighting offered to my storms.  Darkness becomes my ally and light submits to us both so the cold can devour everything.  Even the flames of life flicker in my wake.  Never have I met an equal that did not bow or bend. 

Until that infuriating inferno reared his horned head, I have never known a fire that did not cower at my feet.  Perhaps that is why I have a certain…fondness…for him.  And until I saw those shards of my primordial memories…I did not understand why I could not help but be drawn to those flames.  

Jill couldn’t help the smile spreading across her face.  You care for him.

Shiva brushed off the comment like a dusting of snow.  That is a human concept.  

And you have been bound to humans so long you use our words to express your will.  Our bodies to manifest here.  What’s a few more concepts between friends?

A long pause, and then Shiva muttered, I…suppose you speak the truth.

Jill sighed and decided to ask the question that she hadn’t asked earlier when Shiva had been prodding her.  What would you do then?  If you knew  he was going to walk into danger and you could do something to help him, but if you did, you might be left behind?

Shiva was quiet for a moment, long enough that Jill started to wonder if she would answer.  When she did, the huff of ice that crawled up the back of Jill’s neck was positively sinister.

I would shatter the bones of any filth fucking pathetic enough to suggest I stand aside while my equal fights.

Jill smirked.  Violence, of course.

However, I understand what you ask, the Eikon said, her voice smoothing out from the jagged shards of her cold fury.  I would consider this.  If you were actually being cast aside, would you be here, at the vanguard of this assault as his trusted sword should his own falter, and a shield for those in his care?  Would he have asked you to ease the burden of leadership if he did not trust you to carry out the task without fail?  Is it really being left behind that you fear?

Jill sighed heavily.  Of course not, and she knew it.  Nothing had changed except her perspective.  She had seen just how far Clive would go for her, and she knew she would give everything for him.  This knowledge terrified her logical mind and made her heart sing, and if she was going to see this through she needed to get her head and heart working together again.

Luckily, she had days ahead of her before they were to rendezvous with Clive, Joshua, and Gav at Stonehyrr, where hopefully the most interesting thing happening would be whether or not anyone spotted any wildlife along the mostly blighted coastline.

By the Flames, she hated the waiting.

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